


Chess and a Wonka

by ANonsense



Category: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005), Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - All Media Types
Genre: Badly Played Chess, Charlie gets his own back, Chess, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Humor, One Shot, Willy keeps cheating, With A Twist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-26
Updated: 2015-02-26
Packaged: 2018-08-12 16:16:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7941001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ANonsense/pseuds/ANonsense
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rules? Who needs 'em! Normality is for other people.</p><p>Charlie and Willy play chess... or, at least, Charlie plays chess, and Willy plays whatever he wants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chess and a Wonka

            The way Willy Wonka played chess was the same way Willy Wonka did anything.

            "Prawn!"

            "Don't do that, Willy. You'd put yourself in check."

            Unconventionally.

            "Yeah... but... look, see the Bishop? If I take the prawn out of the way, I can take your queen."

            "Yes, but you'd still be in check. You can't do anything until you're out of check."

            "You're not gonna take my king. That would end the game."

            "That's the point. I'll beat you. I'll win, Willy: that's the point."

            "You asked for one game. Uno. If you take my king, that'd be the end of the game, which would leave me able to go and do some more paperwork, which I've _got_ to do just like _you've_ got to do your _homework_ , which _you also_ have to do, which is _time-sensitive_ , unlike my _paperwork_ , which means I can stop _my paperwork_ to go and make _chocolate_ whenever I _want_ , which means _I'd_ be _inventing_ whilst _you'd_ be doing _homework_ , which would mean _I'd_ win. Ya."

            "Willy."

            "So I'm just gonna take your queen and... bingo! Your turn."

            "I take your king. You lose."

            "Nah. Kings are boring, anyway. My queen takes your rook."

            "When the king's dead, the game's over."

            "Well, I revive the king. The castle's good at first aid. Watch out, please! Castle's coming through! Move over, Mr. Prawn: you're parking illegally."

            "If you move it there, I'll take him. Then I'll take the castle. Then the king. Again. Willy, you're losing."

            " **Scalpel!** Scalpel. **Hot Water!** Hot water. **Anaesthetic!** Anaesthetic."

            "Bishop takes pawn."

            "Oh, look! The queen's giving birth. *Pop* It's a girl!"

            "You can't do that. You're not allowed to add pieces to the board."

            "You were using her earlier, weren't you?"

            "That's the point!"

            Willy broke into giggles. Charlie grinned.

            "Ok, my pawn takes your castle. Your king dies because there's nobody to finish the operation."

            Willy deepened his voice. " **It's but a flesh wound! I shall continue! Die, peasant!** King takes prawn."

            Charlie snorted. "Check, again."

            "I'm past halfway. I've got diplomatic immunity."

            "Horse takes king."

            "Hey! Diploma-"

            "Horses don't know what that means."

            "Huh... point. Oh well. Queen takes the throne."

            "Ok. Horse takes queen."

            "Queen lures horse to a standstill with carrots, then bans him from her dressing room."

            "Why is she in her dressing room?"

            "She's getting ready for her coronation, of course!"

            "She's only a few minutes old."

            "No, she isn't. This isn't real life, Charlie. It's a game. Games follow illogical rules and ya hafta obey them."

            Charlie, his face rigid with trying not to laugh, dissolved into giggles.

            "Prawn takes prawn," said Willy.

            "Second pawn takes pawn to court citing murder charges," giggled Charlie. Willy's straight-faced facade cracked.

            "First witness says that's not what _he_ saw."

            "Second pawn says first witness is the cousin of the first pawn and cannot be trusted," said Charlie. "Judge says first pawn is facing 95 years in prison and to not waste any more of his time."

            "Prawn murders judge for even daring to suggest such a thing. Then prawn murders second prawn."

            "Pawns can't take forwards."

            "Prawn is a sniper. Prawn can do whatever prawn likes."

            "Horse takes-"

            "Prawn shoots horse."

            "It's not your turn!"

            "Prawn has a _gun_. Argue with _prawn_."

            "Pawn, it's not your turn."

            "Bang. Charlie's dead. Wonka wins."

            "Nuclear missile," said Charlie, "activates after Charlie's death, wiping out the entire white side. Black pieces escape because they built a nuclear bunker under the chess-board. Black wins."

            "...There are rules, Charlie, 'kay?"

            "I'm dead, Willy."

            "Oh. Ya."

            "Well, bye then! I'm just going to go and tell Mum who won. Have fun doing paperwork!"

            Willy blinked.

            "Charlie?"

            "Yes, Willy?"

            "What _is_ your homework?"

            A smirk spread slowly across Charlie's face. He snickered.

            "I've done my homework," he said. "It was playing chess."

            And he disappeared round the door, leaving Willy Wonka to the inch-high stack of paper on the office desk.


End file.
